tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post8365735749613591606..comments2023-08-27T06:52:54.670-05:00Comments on Minx, Redux: I Will Never Blog About This AgainErinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04126016879635761099noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-46520289065638279982008-03-01T19:58:00.000-06:002008-03-01T19:58:00.000-06:00I am just reading through your archives and came a...I am just reading through your archives and came across this post and had to respond even though I know it's old. You say "I didn't know before last Saturday that normal people feel contempt for obese people who try and don't do so well".<BR/><BR/>Seriously, *normal people* do not feel anything like this. Normal people do not go around feeling contempt randomly for other human beings. Normal people feel sadness, or empathy, or compassion, for those who struggle to reach a personal goal. Normal people want other people to succeed in their lives, and hope that if they have failed once they'll get up on the horse and try again (obviously taking onboard the lessons of the earlier failure). Normal people do not attempt to undermine others. <BR/><BR/>A normal person, Erin, would have said "hey, I'm sad for you if you're not achieving what you want to achieve, but I care about you and love having you in my life whatever size you are." <BR/><BR/>Honestly, that's normal. <BR/><BR/>Your so-called friend is not in the least normal. In fact, he sounds like a pretty classic sadist, who can only feel good about himself when he's hurting other people. Luckily for the world, that's really quite abnormal. <BR/><BR/>Can I give you a piece of unsolicited advice from a total stranger? Don't see this guy for a while. Like, say, a year. You don't need to make a big deal about it, you can just say that you're busy or never happen to be free when he calls. A year is a good amount of time to get some distance on a relationship. If at the end of a year you don't know if you want to see him again, give it another year. You'll both be OK, and if this friendship has things in it that are worth preserving, they'll survive some time apart. Currently, though, he's just buoying up his own ego by putting you down. And you deserve so much better than that - just like all normal people do :-).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-65927220080183797122008-01-23T23:20:00.000-06:002008-01-23T23:20:00.000-06:00Hi Erin,I've been reading your blog for a while, a...Hi Erin,<BR/><BR/>I've been reading your blog for a while, and I keep coming back because you are such a fantastic writer. I especially relate to your posts on depression, inertia, and also just the general malaise of being in one's late twenties:). I don't usually leave comments, but there have been several of your posts that have tempted me to, and this was the one that did it...<BR/><BR/>I don't want to overly insult your friend, if you still wish him to be your friend. But honestly, it seems to me that your Friend is what I like to call a charismatic asshole. Charismatic assholes are dangerous, because it's really easy to believe them. Even when we know they are being hurtful, self-serving and awful, part of us believes what they say--we think: but maybe he's right. After all, he is so smart. Other people don't understand our connection. Other people don't know how well he knows me. <BR/><BR/>And it is a serious and heart-wrenching dilemma, because as much as other people tell us not to care, we care, and more importantly we keep thinking this other person is RIGHT. I have absolutely been in this situation, I'm thinking of one in particular, and climbing out of it really made me begin to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships.<BR/><BR/>Perhaps that sounds too melodramatic, but I really think we downplay how much is at stake when someone treats us the way Friend has treated you. <BR/>And I think our/your/women's intelligence somehow exacerbates the situation--combined with the famous female empathy, it's what enables us to sit there and overanalyze, and say things like, "Well, he has a point," when really, what this person is saying is so unconscionable and ignorant that if we heard it in any other context, we'd be outraged.<BR/><BR/>Obviously, this touches a personal nerve for me. But I also think it's a really common experience that is somehow uniquely tied to being a woman. The weight issue only makes it more acute, because society is unbelievably accepting of bigotry toward the overweight--it makes kicking the charismatic asshole to the curb that much harder.<BR/><BR/>Oh, and you know what, in terms of being objective and all that--who CARES if you use fat as a litmus test, or use it to be invisible, etc...that doesn't make any of his points valid. Everyone does that with something. No one is innocent of social manipulation, or insecurity, or any of those things. <BR/><BR/>And one final point: I've never been overweight, but I have spent an enormous portion of my life hating my body. When I was ten years old I spent whole nights crying because I hated it so much. And I starved myself for years during high school. We are in the middle of a serious hysteria and insanity surrounding women's bodies, and body image and self esteem...and Friend is really a symptom of that as much as anything. <BR/><BR/>All right, I'll shut up now. Keep up the great blog. I look forward to every post.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-23091880513308988942008-01-23T14:15:00.000-06:002008-01-23T14:15:00.000-06:00I agrees with G.G. That commenter is on to somethi...I agrees with G.G. That commenter is on to something!Jarretthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144317773603998522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-27611302135153057612008-01-22T16:07:00.000-06:002008-01-22T16:07:00.000-06:00I agree with your "Friend" about one thing: you ha...I agree with your "Friend" about one thing: you have an opportunity to make your life better by making one simple choice. That choice should be to kick him the fuck out of it (your life, that is).<BR/><BR/>Instant loss of 100+ pounds of parasitically toxic dead weight, IMHO.<BR/><BR/>G.G.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-34199736071846171102008-01-22T09:55:00.000-06:002008-01-22T09:55:00.000-06:00Confession... I have one of those friends too. H...Confession... I have one of those friends too. He's my best friend actually. And after we had a similar discussion and he went off and got him a pretty little girlfriend, well, let's just say, the definition of friend could have been redefined. I really cared about what this guy was telling me. He talked about choices as well. Blah, blah, blah.<BR/><BR/>You talked about being normal. What is normal anymore? I think we now live in a world where everyone's individuality is normal. We all don't have to succumb to a certain mold if we don't want to. You can be who you want, how you want. Get rid of the cookie cutters! The drop cookies are making a comeback!Foodie Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02355905473207458394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-86537902066357993262008-01-22T09:44:00.000-06:002008-01-22T09:44:00.000-06:00Wow! This guy's a little fucker, isn't he?You know...Wow! This guy's a little fucker, isn't he?<BR/><BR/>You know what? I've lost over 65 pounds. I'm healthier now than I ever have been. I'm running my third half marathon this year. I'm going to get my black belt in karate this year. I go to the gym. I run on treadmills and do elliptical machines. I lift weights. I have a healthy BMI. I have a super-preferred rate on my life insurance. Yeah, I'm awesome.<BR/><BR/><B>AND I AM A FOOD ADDICT.</B><BR/><BR/>Even after all of the progress that I've made.<BR/><BR/>When I at home and controlling what I buy, or at work and controlling what I take with me (not eating out for lunch), I do really well.<BR/><BR/>When I go to parties, I can royally fuck up 2-3 weeks of progress. I can consume more calories in a single sitting that I should eat all week. I love food. I love sweet food. I love spicy food.<BR/><BR/>But I have learned something. To be successful, you have to put positive people around you. You can't do it on your own. You need friends who will celebrate (in a low calorie fashion) when you have successes, and who will understand all your many, many setbacks.<BR/><BR/>I've talked to those who don't believe that depression is a real disease. Fuck them. To these people, I've asked, "Do you believe that people can have chemical imbalances that cause them to have blood that cannot convert table sugar to glucose?" Most of them will say, "Yes, diabetes is a real disease." Then I ask those same people, "Do you believe that people can have a chemical imbalance such that, even when good things happen, they don't produce the chemicals in the brain that should make them happy?"<BR/><BR/>A lot of people still tell me that happiness is a choice. Screw 'em. How we react to food (fuel or , how we wake up in the morning, whether we'd rather go to the gym or sit on the couch, watch Family Guy and eat ice cream (what?) - it all comes down to brain chemistry.Jarretthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144317773603998522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-49753555689631098782008-01-21T19:13:00.000-06:002008-01-21T19:13:00.000-06:00Someone has taught your 'friend' that shutting off...Someone has taught your 'friend' that shutting off his ears and opening his mouth to spout mean shit is the way to care about someone. And he's clinging, rather desperately, to his understanding of life as entirely self-determined--because if he didn't believe that, I suspect, his world view would crumble. What a sad little world he lives in if that's his learned behavior/thought pattern.<BR/><BR/>We all have friends that serve different purposes in our lives; the shopping-for-shoes friend may not be the number-one-confidante friend. If you want to continue to find room for him in your circle of friends, it sounds like you'll have to tell him that your weight and your depression and anything else you are struggling with are finished topics between the two of you, <I>case closed</I>. And that if he wants to talk to you about baseball or the latest girl who broke up with him thinking he was an asshole when he was just honest with her or WHATEVER, then that's fine--but your sensitive topics are not going to be part of the conversation. Then you can make your friendship about other things, and if he can't do that, then yes, I would say let him go. Because seriously, you don't deserve that. No one does. And even if his intentions actually are good, he needs to learn not to speak his mind on topics where he has no clue about them except for his own egocentric opinions.<BR/><BR/>Oh, and the Tom Cruise comment made me BURST out laughing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-5498821935337282292008-01-21T17:38:00.000-06:002008-01-21T17:38:00.000-06:00Erin,What an insightful blog entry. I am also inc...Erin,<BR/><BR/>What an insightful blog entry. I am also incandescent with rage at that ASS-HAT man who keeps screwing around in your head. You deserve a GOLD MEDAL for the olympian feat of self analysis that you have done in order to try to treat your disorder and gain a measure of peace in your life. I totally agree that you must get your mental house in order before trying the leviathan task of losing the weight. It all goes hand-in-hand.<BR/><BR/>My FIRST reaction was also to ask how you became friends with Tom Cruise!!! What planet is this guy from??? Friends need to encourage us -- not tear down our fragile ego state.<BR/><BR/>I also agree that talking about your struggles is SO helpful to those of us who struggle too. Keep writing, keep thinking, keep trying. Nobody should expect more from us!Nory Rothhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04918192478597981088noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-88017357072146507342008-01-21T15:56:00.000-06:002008-01-21T15:56:00.000-06:00"Because depression isn't that kid's personality, ..."Because depression isn't that kid's personality, it's what's drowning it." <BR/><BR/>Yes, yes, yes, these words and in fact so much of this post resounded in my heart.<BR/><BR/>I've written about dealing with depression while trying to pursue weight loss, and likened it to carrying around a backpack of bricks 24/7: sometimes it's exercise just to fucking get up in the morning!<BR/><BR/>Screw the haters, love yourself, and don't waste too much more time trying to educated that ignoramus! Not to be directive ;).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-26862812575403416912008-01-21T11:32:00.000-06:002008-01-21T11:32:00.000-06:00Hey Guys, I'm blaming all of you for making me cry...Hey Guys, <BR/><BR/>I'm blaming all of you for making me cry, and Vickie especially for making me spill my Fiber One Honey Clusters all over my chair from laughing at the Tom Cruise comment. I love all of you very much(in the non-creepy blog friend way, of course). <BR/><BR/>I guess when I mean I will never "blog about this" again, I mean about this conversation, and him, and how I let it eat me up for a long time. I won't ever stop writing about what's inside my head, because if I didn't my blog would pretty much consist of Wal-Mart and cat anecdotes and then you'd all realize I was kind of mind-numbingly boring as a person.<BR/><BR/>I can't tell you how insanely better I feel after reading all your comments and finding out that so many of you adore the word "tool" as much as I do. <BR/><BR/>Thank you, thank you, thank you.Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04126016879635761099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-64784296011668010032008-01-21T11:24:00.000-06:002008-01-21T11:24:00.000-06:00Oh man, just, I don't know, I don't even know you ...Oh man, just, I don't know, I don't even know you and I wish I could give you a hug. <BR/>Thank you for putting this out there. It was very moving. And please feel free to continue to write whatever YOU want and whatever you NEED to write. <BR/>For the record, I absolutely 100% am certain there's "voices in the head" of people who struggle with their weight that people who don't struggle will never ever understand. I really really believe that. When I describe what it sounds like in my head on a daily basis (eat, eat, eat) to my skinny ass husband, he looks at me like I'm OUT OF MY MIND. <BR/>This friend may have a few points that hit home with you, but the idea of judging anyone in such a fashion when he hasn't walked in your shoes is appalling. <BR/>Try to cut yourself some slack, if you can. I think you are a remarkable person.Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09187554679583487835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-74740479652512048952008-01-21T09:27:00.000-06:002008-01-21T09:27:00.000-06:00It makes me so angry when people are so ignorant t...It makes me so angry when people are so ignorant to the fact that depression IS a disease. I hate your friend. I don't think he is a friend. What a complete asshole really. <BR/><BR/>My mom was in the same state of mind about depression as your friend was. After a year of conversations with her, I finally got her to understand the difference between depression form a breakup, death, etc and plain old depression. I had to explain to her real depression does not have a reason behind it, like the temporary kind does. It is a brain chemical mix up and it needs something to balance it out. When I told her this she started to understand. Like when you have PMS and are pissed at the world, and depressed, even if there is nothing to be pissed or depressed about. And then suddenly a week later you realize nothing was really wrong. That got her to understand it. <BR/><BR/>But everyone is different and everyone is capable of understanding in different ways. I say lose this "friend" of yours because he is obviously not a nice person. He is the kind of guy that wants people to be worse off than him, which is why he berates his "FRIENDS". <BR/><BR/>And please don't promise to not blog about this, because seriously, blogging is what helps you get through your problems often times, and I want more than anything for you to be able to work through this so you can move on. Also, you may help someone else get through this exact thing. <BR/><BR/>Stay strong, but be willing to accept when you should allow yourself to be weak; to be human.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11316331427936427121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-57271204057846600712008-01-21T08:58:00.000-06:002008-01-21T08:58:00.000-06:00Erin, he is such a tool and obviously insecure. P...Erin, he is such a tool and obviously insecure. People like this, and I know a few of them, really get off on putting good people down. The plan is a good plan and trying is all you need to start the battle. By the way, I have been using sparkpeople.com and there is a ton of info and support there. Check it out.Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13175092137992886583noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-43474731743648164042008-01-21T04:41:00.000-06:002008-01-21T04:41:00.000-06:00Erin - you said it yourself: 'I have a plan'! So d...Erin - you said it yourself: 'I have a plan'! <BR/><BR/>So don't lose heart - and don't make the mistake of defining yourself according to the standards of that truly ridiculous caveman!<BR/><BR/>Be true to you. Whether you lose this weight now or later is YOUR decision and will be by YOUR actions.<BR/><BR/>You are a beautiful star!<BR/><BR/>LindaLinda Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324860206594156693noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-54736029715457561542008-01-21T04:34:00.000-06:002008-01-21T04:34:00.000-06:00So,how exactly did you get to be friends with Tom ...So,<BR/>how exactly did you get to be friends with Tom Cruise?Vickiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05452333714845476967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-81672098727995477672008-01-20T23:13:00.000-06:002008-01-20T23:13:00.000-06:00I don't have time to write all the things that rea...I don't have time to write all the things that reading this post of yours brought up with me but I will share a few:<BR/><BR/>1. The "Friend" is not your friend. I'm sorry, but he's not. I appreciate friends who help us along our path, but HE IS NOT ONE for you. I know you probably don't want to hear this and it will take you 20 or 30 years to get it (like it has for me, by the way!), but maybe just MAYBE you will realize this sooner...before you suffer through 20 or 30 years with a "friend" like this. Grrrrr. I am so angry at him and so sympathetic with you.<BR/><BR/>2. Thank you for voicing so much of this which is OH SO HARD to voice. My bet is that depression is at least half of lots of Our problems (the other half may just be genetic). I really almost cried several times in your post because it could be ME writing it. Know you're not alone and I, for one, appreciate you very much today.<BR/><BR/>We are making progress...it's not always measured by the scale. :-)<BR/><BR/>Thanks for all this, Erin!Helenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07856254838049366414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-24355559908612341382008-01-20T20:48:00.000-06:002008-01-20T20:48:00.000-06:00you writing about that stuff makes me think about ...you writing about that stuff makes me think about my own stuff. So please, write about whatever you want. Secondly, your friend, is a HUGE tool. Thirdly. I'm going through something right now where I've been told several times recently to see a therapist, but didn't really stop to consider that my meds that I havent' gotten checked out in 3 years might be the problem. That they might not be working properly might be leading to an all out meltdown. Oooh, new post a brewing. You can do this.Laurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09835555617154726184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-3824357261821598212008-01-20T20:43:00.000-06:002008-01-20T20:43:00.000-06:00I wanted to post to ask how this person gets to be...I wanted to post to ask how this person gets to be considered a friend... I think a lot of us spend way too much time and energy trying to prove ourselves to people who are never going to get us. The ones who are our fans are obviously too stupid and deluded to merit our attention and instead we use incredible amounts of energy trying to win over the unwinnable. <BR/><BR/>You need to live your life for you and not the Friends in your life. Then you'll be free to act in your own best interest instead of being torn between trying to please your friends and trying to show them who's boss.<BR/><BR/>It's hard, I know.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02700614225224691712noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-42576038822329078682008-01-20T19:41:00.000-06:002008-01-20T19:41:00.000-06:00Sending you big hugs and wishing I could sit with ...Sending you big hugs and wishing I could sit with you at Panera and just chat about life and Friends who really aren't so much. Lose him, you are worth so much more.Anne M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08824355734094187786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-88235539894376856312008-01-20T19:29:00.000-06:002008-01-20T19:29:00.000-06:00i'm at work so i can't leave a long comment, but i...i'm at work so i can't leave a long comment, but i just want to say everyone is right, that's not a friend. lose him.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-83853426169068295162008-01-20T18:38:00.000-06:002008-01-20T18:38:00.000-06:00This was a an amazing post Erin, it was thought pr...This was a an amazing post Erin, it was thought provoking and so brave and honest. You should make no apologies at all for it.<BR/><BR/>Your "friend" is clearly someone who, as you said, doesn't want to understand. And no friend would define you as fat and tell you you'll never be anything else. He doesn't seem to be able to even see a real person behind the fat and gives you no credit for being anything else, and someone who does that is no friend. Those of us who have always been overweight tend to see ourselves as that fat person and define ourselves that way (until we learn otherwise), but nobody else has the right to do so. You deserve better friends!<BR/><BR/>You have done great and you will continue to do so.Wei Sic Meowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01146535439099605210noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-42112113197437241392008-01-20T17:32:00.000-06:002008-01-20T17:32:00.000-06:00Erin, please don't stop talking about "the why" ...Erin, please don't stop talking about "the why" of the losing or not losing of weight, because these struggles you have with keeping your head above water, losing weight and just generally living are what everyone who reads your blog relates to. It is nice to hear someone else say how tiring it can be just to LIVE let alone live and try and improve yourself on a grand scale. Plus, if you stop talking about why, then "The Friend" (who I personally think should be called "the asshole who once duped me into calling him a friend" has one. You need to keep living your life and doing what your doing, because whether you see it or not, you are fixing your problems, slowly but surely. And 25 pounds is a big accomplishment! So cheer for yourself like you have won the Biggest Loser, because you lost weight without going to a ranch for 3 months where you exercise 5 hours a day, and every pound is worth cheering over. <BR/><BR/>So what I am saying with this long ramble is keep being you, and writing what you need to write because that is why we all come and read your blog. You are hilarious, witty and find the funny in pain, and that is truly a gift.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-88133164245330125482008-01-20T12:07:00.000-06:002008-01-20T12:07:00.000-06:00I completely agree with your descriptions of Types...I completely agree with your descriptions of Types of Depression! There is the circumstantial then there's the one that hovers over you from day one.<BR/><BR/>And I'm torn between wanting to punch your alleged friend and wanting to hug you and wanting to bawl because it just seems that some people will never see that it's not a choice. maybe it is just too far out of the realm of their own experience to be able to really understand.<BR/><BR/>I hope you just keep writing whatever is on your mind, whatever you need to say!!! take care erin.Shaunahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17972771695771196585noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-76144871827999318832008-01-20T11:47:00.000-06:002008-01-20T11:47:00.000-06:00(Welcome to my comment, aka "The Book")Amen sister...(Welcome to my comment, aka "The Book")<BR/><BR/>Amen sister on both the depression and the weight loss problems. I struggle with both. Thank God for supportive family and friends.<BR/><BR/>This brings me to the subject of your "Friend". No one who is your real friend would ever say "you are never going to be able to do this." A person who says this is not your friend.<BR/><BR/>My friends, when I slip up, say "What can I do to help? How can I help motivate you/support you?" or they say great things like "Well, get up, dust yourself off and get back on that horse!" A person who say these things is your Friend, and deserves to be capitalized.<BR/><BR/>I think sometimes people couch meanness under the guise of "truth." Your "friend" believes he is being truthful, and is treating you with "tough love" when what's really happening is he's just being an asshole. No, really. Yes, sometimes the truth hurts, but sometimes people are being mean just because they can.<BR/><BR/>We fat people tend to be doormats.<BR/><BR/>For something to be truth, there must be a kernel of fact in it. For example: the sky is blue. True, because most of the time it is.<BR/><BR/>The great thing about humans is our truth is fluid. We can change the truth about ourselves. You're proving it every day as the pounds go away.<BR/><BR/>So, get up, dust yourself off and get right back on that horse! :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101250385794157862.post-2915824719753540302008-01-20T11:29:00.000-06:002008-01-20T11:29:00.000-06:00I am incandescent with rage on your behalf right n...I am incandescent with rage on your behalf right now. It's 2:25am and I have to be in work in 4 hours, so I'll write a proper email tomorrow when there is a minute chance that what I type may make sense, but really, astonishingly angry.<BR/><BR/>One thing I wanted to say immediately though, is please don't promise not to talk about stuff. Ths is your blog, not his, not ours. It's your place for your thoughts, and no one has the right to make you feel like you shouldn't share them. You're not bothering us. Anyone who has a problem knows where the back button is. Don't feel you have to censor yourself in your own space.The Fat Foreignerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07604719837186012000noreply@blogger.com