Sunday, January 6, 2008

Eleventy hundred million point five

Dealing with the interruption in my meds was much harder than I anticipated, to the point that the only thing that would stop the low rumble of insanity in the back of my brain was sleep. Or food. Or a combination of both that left my body and brain feeling like twice-microwaved death mixed served with a side of fresh-baked despair.

Anyway, today was a significantly better day than the last several were. Missouri managed to purloin California's tropical climate for a few days, so I got to open the house up to warm, fresh air and sunlight. I did a little housework, exercised, drank water, took my meds, and ate reasonably well. I realized, also, that I'm going to have to change a few things about the way I'm living right now in order to make any more progress at getting healthier and happier. I think, during winter break, I was doing really well despite the lack of meds because I was getting an adequate amount of sleep each night. The shitty thing is that I tend to average around 9-10 hours of sleep when I'm allowed to stay in bed as long as I want, and I'm just as exhausted after 8 hours of sleep as I am after 5. It would probably make sense to go for the 7-8 hours anyway, even if I don't feel it immediately. I also need to stop bullshitting myself about the types and amounts of food I'm eating. Honestly, the reason why I lost so much weight in October and November was because I wasn't eating much, probably because of the initial effects of the Wellbutrin. When I started getting hungry again around Thanksgiving and later in December, I tried to supplement my diet with high-carb vegetarian foods. When stuff started getting out of control around the holidays, my tofu and salads turned into grilled cheese and potato poppers, and no matter how much I tried to spin it, I was eating copious quantities of shit. No wonder my body revolted.

The thing that really kicked me in the ass (aside from my epiphany yesterday afternoon that I hadn't actually moved my body in several hours and that maybe I had actually, finally died from being a miserable wreck and if that was the case my mother would find out I had expired next to an open bottle of vitamin water and a gift card to an adult toy store I won at my faculty Christmas party and she would NOT BE AMUSED) was a set of photos from the New Year's eve party I attended with some friends. The party was the most fun I had had in years, probably, and I met some really nice people, and danced like a madwoman and I thought maybe...MAYBE...I actually looked really good. The jeans I had on were a size smaller than I could've worn previously, and I had a killer pair of red pumps and I actually took time on my hair and makeup and I kind of thought that even if I didn't look good, at least I looked better. But when I got those pictures from my friend a few days later, I realized that the same pasty, double-chinned, and tree trunk-legged Erin who started this whole thing a year ago didn't look a bit different 25 lbs. later. And I think I cringed the world's biggest cringe right then, realizing that everyone at the party must've been kind of taken aback by this tub of lard who was dancing too hard, and laughing too loudly, and maybe flirting when it wasn't her business to flirt because there were prettier girls with smaller asses. God, it sucked to have to realize that.

But it gave me some perspective on how stuff really ought to be going for me, because it's going to be a long, long time until I can look at a picture of my whole body and feel like I look like everyone else. It's going to take months, maybe years, of screwing up and stumbling and fighting not to be miserable when I just want to go back to bed and not wake up. It'll be a process of working day after day to make the right choices, and to talk myself off the roof when I've made some bad ones, and looking any further past the current day will probably drive me crazier than I have been recently. It's such a long fucking road...all of it...and the only thing I really feel like I can do is just take it one step at a time.


PastaQueen said...

Have you ever been tested for sleep apnea? I only ask because a friend of mine recently went to a sleep center and was diagnosed with it. She had similar complaints of being tired no matter how long she slept.

Also, flirt with whoever you damn well want to! More important than losing weight is learning to like who you are. Even if you lose 100 lbs you won't be able to enjoy it unless you go easier on yourself.

Tracy said...

Hey Erin, I'm a fairly new reader, and therefore a new commenter, and I just wanted to say, I would almost guarantee that you look better in those pictures than you think you do. I lost about 40 lbs a couple of years back, and every time I looked at a picture of myself, I couldn't see any difference. Now that I have gained all that weight back (and then a little bit) I realize how much skinnier and healthier I was. Don't let those pictures discourage you! You can't see the changes because you aren't far enough removed from it. So take it from me, don't scrutinize the pictures so much and let them make you feel hopeless, because I bet anyone else who looked at the same pictures you did could see a huge difference.

Lauren said...

I've lost 80 pounds and still don't think I look different, it's completely mental, in more ways than one, you are doing great, keep it up.

Abba said...

You are your own worst critic. I bet you look fabulous!

Btw, I will be in KC on Saturday and Sunday. I am visiting my brother and his girlfriend. They moved into a new apartment in Lenexa. We are planning to eat at Choga. My mom wants to try their Korean food. We heard it was good.

Hope you are having a great week!

Susannah said...

Hi Erin,
Please don't let your perception of the photos ruin your memories of the party. It's great that you laughed and danced and flirted. When everyone does those things that's what makes a party FUN! 25 pounds may very well not show up in a photo. I have lost 85 pounds (taking almost 2 years to do it) and, trust me, no one noticed a thing until about 40 pounds into it. I am tall, 5'10", so maybe that's why. I have 30 odd pounds to my goal and that will take most of this year to lose.
Anyway it's a process, a total new lifestyle, a winding road that sometimes doubles back, a journey, an exploration, an exciting challenge and so on. My mantra is "small steps consistently taken lead to big results". And it works! Hope you don't mind this longwinded comment, I enjoy your blog and hope to give a little bit back.

Erin said...

PQ, I think it's more a matter of cat apnea than sleep apnea. I'm pretty sure they're waking me up at least a couple of times a night. I need to devise a strategy to keep them out of my room, but then they meow so loudly. Maybe they'll want their personal space back after it gets warmer.

Abba, let me know how Choga is. I've driven past it a couple of times, but never stopped in. I'm always on the lookout for better stuff in Johnson Co.

Thank you guys for your kind words. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by things that shouldnt' really get to me. I ended up posting those pics on my Facebook profile as a way to remind me that I have to be proud of who I am even if I have a long way to go. I really appreciate how you helped me find some perspective on it. Much love.

Anonymous said...

I think you look wonderful! Your hair looked great, your shirt was sexy and shoes were adorable and naughty all at the same time. Seriously! ...And I had so much freaking fun with you. I loved you laughing and dancing and playing tambourine with me and I CANNOT WAIT to do it again. Pictures are no where near as important as the actual event...consequently, your perception of pictures is far less than that.