An Idiot's Guide To Gaining Weight During a Diet

1) Eat every available source of high fructose corn syrup and saturated fat in the Midwest in the space of a month.

Check.

2) Do not move from chair or bed unless absolutely necessary and spend most of moving time complaning about sinuses or exhaustion until motivation to move is utterly vanquished.

Check.

3)Eat two out of three meals a day at drive-thru, hoping your harried manner and work clothes are suitable reasons for grabbing a grilled chicken sandwich from the same establishment at which you purchased mozzarella sticks three hours previously.

Check.

4)Do not, under any circumstances, hydrate yourself. Maintain a constant state of malaise that can only be triggered by binge drinking hangovers or complete abstinence from any source of water during this time. Water only makes you feel healthy and feeling healthy is the first step towards that slippery slope of actually being healthy. Bonus points if your urine resembles Tang after this effort.

Check.

5)Spend countless hours pondering your own perfectionism/procrastination issues and think REALLY REALLY HARD about why you don't feel desirable or worthy instead of actually doing something about it. Please also perform this activity while lying prone on your bed eating something Devil's Food-related that was prepared in a mixing bowl but took a detour to your gaping maw before actually getting baked.

Check.

6) Step on scale at the end of first disastrous month to ensure that a large amount of weight (ideally 4-6 pounds) has been gained. Lather, rinse, repeat until vaguely resembling Jabba the Hutt or maybe the woman who does deli meat samples at the local grocery store while sitting in a lawn chair with her feet propped up on the egg bunker.

Chec....wait. What!?

How in God's name did I LOSE WEIGHT this week? I'm down to 221.8, which isn't a fanastic loss but it's also not a gain. And it's not even a fluke, because I took my measurements and my waist is down to 37.25". Maybe I should eat like shit every week.

Nah. I think this is a sign. God wants me to lose weight and get over this sickness and feel better. The universe is opening itself up to my weight loss efforts. I am divinely commissioned to stop being a fatass this week. Awesome.

Now cross your fingers for me while I throw away the other half of my pint of Chubby Hubby.