Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Depression.

I get probably 65% of my personal humor from the fact I have it and the ridiculous shit it makes me do. The other 35% percent? Lots and lots of poop anecdotes.

But the truth of the matter is I have it and sometimes it hurts a lot and sometimes it causes myriad other problems like excessive napping and eating disorders and crying at the grocery store because there are just too many people who need to use the motorized scooters to move around and what if I become one of them and someday I'll have to lean down to get wheat flour and what if I fall out of the scooter and, and, and...

Anyway, depression is why I haven't been posting again, and this time it's nice to just explain it for what it is. Sure, I've been busy and there have been interruptions in my schedule, but for the most part I've just been really, really overwhelmed by suffocating, miserable, terrible depression. (And also because it's been really, really nice out and when that happens I like to transfer my Sitting and Brooding at the Computer to Sitting and Brooding While Outside. It's so much more noble.)

I would like to get started again. I have tried to get started every day since my grandma died, and then I get to dinner and I mess it up. I wonder if I'm seriously going to have to take it hour by hour and write down every little up and down that happens like this:

11:24 am. Have spotted a dusty Tootsie Roll from my Halloween stash behind my computer. Tootsie Roll could conceivably be the ruination of my entire day if I eat it, although a cost-benefit analysis confirms I would burn more calories than the Tootsie Roll's worth by crawling under my desk and retrieving it. Tough decision.

Really? Am I going to be THAT rudimentary about it? Is that what you have to do when you need to pick up the pieces and move on? It all just seems so AA something, but as I've said several times before now I'm desperate. The body ain't getting any smaller as I sit and ruminate over the injustices of the world, and at as much as I detest the idea of just keeping a food blog right now, at least it'd give me something to write until I feel like I can keep my head above water for more than a few days at a time. I just wish I could blog at work so I could really be accountable. I'll have to work on that.

Mighty Minx updated.

9 comments:

Abi said...

After 4 years of depression I finally went on some meds. Man, they have helped me a lot. I hope you find whatever it is that you need to feel better again! Just keep digging -- it will come up sooner or later!

jodi said...

thank GOD i can blog at work cus otherwise, i wouldn't have anything to do... i still expect IT to come up here one day and be like, "um, you read an awful lot of blogs everyday"... teehee, such is life...

i am sorry you are going thru a hard time and since i'm new to the blog, may i ask if you've sought help? it took me a long time to realize i was going thru depression, and then more time to get the courage to see my doctor, and then even more time before i made an appt. w/a therapist... i kicked myself afterwards for not doing it sooner because seriously, after the 1st session - i felt so much better...

i know what its like to feel isolated, unhappy, and stuck but you're not alone... i was amazed at how many other people had gone thru the same thing so even that was reassuring...

just thought i would give my 2 cents... :o)

lisa jane said...

big hug coming your way ((ERIN))

BigAssBelle said...

Am I going to be THAT rudimentary about it? Is that what you have to do when you need to pick up the pieces and move on?

probably. but doubtful over the long hall because you're really functional most of the time. yes, it's how we can pick up the pieces, which will then be quickly reassembled into a more recognizable you. but you are stuck right now and depression doesn't help it, so yes. get aa with it and just start where you are. pick up one piece, then another. the key is to get started with whatever you can do this minute, this hour. paralyzing inertia is the alternative and depression carries its own heavy load of that. add to it the need to deal with an eating problem, and it just seems easier to go to bed. or brood.

thinking of you ~

I'm Fat said...

Sorry to hear it hasn't been the best couple of weeks for you. I haven't smelled any roses either. I can't get out of my funk. I know how you feel. Sometimes I just want to curl up and sleep. When I do, I feel like I have wasted the whole day and that makes me feel like shit again. Total vicious circle.

cherokee said...

I am sorry you are feeling so down. I feel the same way you do and it doesnt help to say things will get better when I dont believe that myself. Anywho, I Battle EDs and depression and self-injury so I do understand.

Hugs...

Anonymous said...

Hi Erin,

I’ve steadily read your blog since its emergence in the New Year. You’re a great writer; funny and down to earth. I hope that your last blog combined with this prolonged silence isn’t indicative that we’ve heard the last of the Minx in Redux.

Hope all is well in your world, and look forward to your next post.

Sarah

Mr Mentor said...

In the UK at least, Depression is now the third biggest reason to visit a GP and yet, outside of the medical field, very few people understand what Depression is all about.

You might therefore be interested in a brand new DVD just released by my company called EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DEPRESSION and presented by UK Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Darryl Britto, who made the DVD especially for Depression patients and those training in the medical field. He discusses the myths about Depression, as well as its causes, symptoms, diagnosis, the various treatment including antidepressants, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, and Social Intervention, and then goes on to discuss prognosis (outcomes of treatment.)

MORE INFO AT: www.TimeTrappers.co.uk

Cheers
John Edmonds
CEO
TimeTrappers

gustavclarkston said...

I just found your blog and absolutely love it. So refreshing, your honesty. I've linked to you in my blog. Feel free to do the same if you like.