Attention Jared Fogle: I want my $7.38 back.

Five years ago I managed to lose about 60 lbs. by following the Subway Diet. I got really into it...I made friends with some of those "Friends of Jared" people who had those TV commercials, and I had the frequent customer cards that got me the free soda once every ten sandwiches. The people at the store knew my name, and life was good for the first few months. I started on January 15th, and by June of that year I was so disgusted with Subway sandwiches I could barely walk into the restaurant without feeling nauseous. I think by that point my body wasn't losing weight for conventional reasons so much as it was dying a slow death by boredom and atrophying in the process.

I reached my breaking point mid-summer that year and vowed to never, ever go on the Subway Diet again even though, at that point, it was the only thing that had ever worked for me. I gained all the weight back and a little more in a couple years, but my distaste for Subway still lingers, and I instintively dry heave whenever I see someone eating a 6" chicken breast on wheat. Shudder.

Today I was desperate for a portable, healthy meal so I drove to our drive-thru Subway on the way to Second Work. I decided a wrap would be more practical to eat in the car than a sandwich so I ordered a steak and cheese (no cheese) in an Atkins wrap, with Baked Lays and a diet soda. The total was $7.38 because I "upgraded" to a wrap.

And people, I can now say I have officially been privy to the biggest, most egregious food ripoff in America, second maybe only to the McSalad Shakers of yore. Have you SEEN their wraps? Mine was approximately 4" long by 3" wide...just a tiny little babydoll size sandwich I wanted to hold in the palm of my hand and caress lovingly. I had maybe a teaspoon of meat and vegetables all surrounded by this hideous, gluey, vaguely alkaline tasting wrap. To be perfectly honest, it looked like a cat turd wrapped in leather. It kind of tasted that way, too.

I think Subway needs to keep it real, and if they're going to charge 10% more for a wrap than a sandwich, then you should get 10% more stuff for your money. And since I'm feeling catty about this, you KNOW Jared Fogle is secretly feeling the same way I do about Subway, or else he wouldnt' be growing the man bosoms again.

I'm just sayin'.