Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Last night after work I pocketed the money I receive for teaching the progeny of the various KC suburbanites who spend their "me time" hunkered down in the back seat of their Lexus SUVs with a grande half-caff marble macchiato and every mobile telecommunications and organization device legally available for purchase in the western hemisphere. Sometimes they fall asleep back there and it's darling when I have to escort little Chutney or Farnsworth out to the car so we can knock on the windows and rouse the parent to take them home. Seeing a member of the upwardly mobile wiping their drool off the tastefully beige leather seats of their luxury vehicle with a Kleenex hastily plucked from the depths of a Coach satchel makes all of this just a tiny bit more worth it.

I meandered over to the local sporting goods store to check out their swimsuit collection, where I was confronted with the reality that...duh...generally, retail athletics stores sell products for people who are ALREADY athletes. I pulled a size 18 exercise swimsuit off the rack and tried to pull it on over my thighs with absolutely no luck, and there simply weren't any bigger sizes available anywhere. I've always been under the impression that swimsuit sizing follows dress and pants sizing pretty closely, but apparently Nike and Speedo both cut theirs smaller. (Or else I'm really just that fat). I was a little disheartened, because I figured the only place that would probably have plus-size swimwear available for purchase off the rack was Wal-Mart, and Wal-Mart seems to specialize in being purveyors of the ugliest swimwear you could imagine, and I wonder if conception of their plus-size swimsuit collection began with a deal brokered with Omar the Tentmaker and his rejected fabrics from the Fall 2007 Tent Season.

Nevertheless, I was a determined to end up with a swimsuit, so I went to The Mart anyway and confirmed that they had absolutely nothing worth buying. It seems like they would profit from at least a small rack of suits that women who actually want to MOVE in the water would wear, but the entire display was nothing but suits with tiny straps, no straps, those skirts that are supposed to hide your fat but instead act like beacons of obesity because they're ORANGE! WITH RUFFLES!, and those weird tank suits made out of ribbed material that always look promising on the hanger but seem to lose elasticity the exact moment the fabric hits your body. I bought myself a pair of goggles as consolation and left otherwise empty handed.

Right before I went to bed last night, I remembered I had an old racer back tank suit left over from when we swam a lot during my honeymoon and I fished it out from the depths of my armoire to try it on. I was close to fifteen pounds smaller when I got married, and the suit was marked "Large", so I was really expecting disaster from this encounter with Spandex. Oddly, the suit seems to fit everywhere it counts...nothing is splooging out from the armholes, and my ass is entirely covered by the seat of the suit. I can definitely tell that my stomach is nowhere near as flat as it used to be, and my thighs look like two pale pink bratwursts exploding out of their navy blue encasings, but I can live with that for now.

I'm excited. I'm going to move my body...and with any luck, when I move it in and out of the pool, there will be absolutely no one there to see me do it.

8 comments:

VeggieB! said...
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VeggieB! said...

i'm with you. so weird, the only suit that i have is one that i got online at...eep..."gfla.com*...which thank god is no longer in business...it was this TERRIBLE teeny-bopper junior-high discount slut-o-thon store that actually specialized in "bigger than your average" 13-yrold. god knows how, but in their sizing delusions I was a "large" as well. The worst part--I've had it since high school. I just bought myself a new fat suit though. looking forward to flattening my stomach as well :p

Luna Bella said...

Go Erin! You're an inspiration in your 'large' suit. I promise you, nobody's going to give you a second look, and once you're in the water you're going to feel free and light (OK, I talk a good game, but I'm still terrified of setting foot in a gym).

I had to buy a suit a couple of years ago for a vacation, and the only one I could find was this heavily-lined monstrosity from the Lane Bryant catalog. It serves the purpose, but oh...it could hardly be bigger, uglier or more matronly. Thank you, swimsuit, for reminding me how big I am every time I pull you out of the drawer.

Christine said...

Grr. I hate swim suit shopping. Really makes me anxious to think about it. Glad to hear that you had some luck!

Loretta said...

I saw some plus size swimsuits at old navy the other day, I didn’t' try any on but they looked cute...I think I bought my last one an Kohl’s, I don't know if you have Kohl’s, but it might be worth a shot if you still want to get a new one. I had the same problem a few years ago, and fished out an old suit only to find that the elastic in the back had all gone weird!

Thanks for blogging and really found that the Curves entry to be a real eye opener. I had thought about going, but the cost always put me back in my cheap old gym. I thought a little more support would be helpful, I think I might get a personal trainer, in the end that is cheaper than curves for me…because my gym is only $180 a year;)

Laura Brandon said...

Tag, you’re it! Read my blog if you want to play!

Jarrett Meyer said...

Here's to being a guy... Go buy trunks. That's it. Sorry you couldn't find anything that fit the way you like.

I remember being afraid to work out in public when I started, that's why I began with exercise videos in the privacy of my home. I lost my first 20 pounds with those before I could actually "work out" and not suck wind the whole time.

Abba said...

It's weird. The fat rolls don't stop me from swimming. It's seeing people's feet. Weird, huh?