Friday, June 15, 2007

Trudging back in.

I had just one giant bitch of a week, and I decided to wait until I stopped lavishing in my own misery to write about it so I could at least look back with some perspective on things, and so now I'm back...2 pounds heavier but hopefully with some sort of plan for moving forward.

A very heavy depression descended on me this of those where I'm honestly concerned about whether or not it will ever lift, and for awhile yesterdy while I sat in my car in the dark garage for thirty minutes because I couldn't will my body to get up out of it I really didn't think I was ever going to be able to think clearly again. Lots and lots of stress and exhaustion and tension and stupid adult problems with banks and cell phones and insurance companies sort of just kept building and building until I freaked and spent a lot of time eating various forms of fried chicken...chicken on buns, chicken dipped in gravy, chicken shaped into tiny balls and crammed into my gaping maw by barbecue sauce stained fingers. Somewhere in central Arkansas, dozens of Tyson Chicken employees just got laid off because I ate EVERY FREAKING CHICKEN in their farm. Sigh.

And I've spent a lot of time wondering what it takes to be brave enough to do all this. To just go and move your body and eat the right foods no matter how many chocolate cakes are shoved under your nose or how many time your brain says that the world doesn't need another obese person waddling down the sidewalk in sweatpants. I went from actually being sort of brave and hopping on an airplane for Chicago at the last minute to hiding in my bedroom because a picture taken of me standing on the beach at Lake Michigan finally revealed to me just how bad things had gotten. There were no artfully posed "Fat-girl-with-chin-down-quirky-smile-to-hide-the-jowls" shots, no pageant position standing to minimize the waist and obscure at least one hip from the lens, no black on black couture to hopefully detract from the rolls and the pudge...just me in my pear-shaped glory, squinting at the camera and trying desperately to shield myself from sight with my forearms. And if I were serious about any of this, my blogs should've revealed a steady progression of good choices and moderate weight loss every week since January. Now I just have fits and starts and big gaps in the entries where I became an utter fuckup and ate away my disappointments and washed it down with a large Coke.

I wonder what it takes to be THAT person...the one who swims and dances and does yoga in a big-lady Speedo and XXL workout pants and doesn't apologize for wanting to do any of it. The one who says the Curves gym is okay if you want to not do very much, but that I have a right to be in the real gym with the real people, so move over so I can leg press thank you very much. The one who jiggles her way around a few miles of town every morning, no matter what, until the jiggles stop jiggling and the flesh is replaced by muscle and suddenly no one is staring or laughing as she steps into the pool. Where does the self-possession to say "I don't give a fuck" come from, or does it never actually click until you've earned the right in the eyes of everyone else?

I wish I knew...I'd like to instill myself with at least a modicum of bravery and integrity before I end up threatening the entire poultry population of the Central Plains.


Christine said...

Hey you - glad that you are back. I am right there with you though - its tough, tough to stay on track, tough to see one day at a time - I love food - I love eating - and want things to happen alot faster than they are. Keep up the blog though - I do find that it helps to empty your thoughts. You take care.

Anonymous said...

I am really enjoying reading your entries-you are very funny!

I have a thought on what it takes to be that woman who dances, swims, etc... I think it just takes doing it. Scary at first, but the more you do it, the more you realize that people rarely give 2 thoughts about anyone but themselves. I'll never forget going to the pool at my absolute heaviest, in my big lady suit, and how great it felt to be in the water. The more I went the more comfortable I became. No one paid any attention to me, they were too busy with their own workouts. Just my 2 cents-good luck!

Lauren said...

I feel sad. I know what it's like. Keep going. One day at a time. Have you ever checked out OA? It's made such a difference in my life, though I definitely still slip...alot.

Luna Bella said...

Glad you're back and glad you're writing, even though things are tough right now. I've been going through my own depression and my own questions about what it takes to be that big brave woman who claims her right to be in the gym. I'm not her right now, that's for sure. Well, I'm the big part, but not the brave part.

I've been wondering what the hell is up with's been a craptacular year so far for just about everyone I know.

Anyway, hang in there, and please keep posting. It is so great to hear my own feelings reflected in your eloquent writing. Makes me feel like I'm not the only one stuck in this sad, mopy spot, wondering how to pry myself loose so I can get on about the business of reclaiming my health.

Abba said...

(sigh) I am right there with you. This tightness in my stomach is enough to make me want to start puking again. I have been so depressed the last month, it's unreal. I hate this weight that consumes me. But I can't do it right now.

Lori said...

Anonymous is right, the more you do it, the less scarier it is. And it's always going to be something that makes you stick out, Erin. Last year, I took swimming lessons and in my black suit, I felt like a manatee or a giant harbor seal with a glandular problem...this year, much smaller but now I have a gigantic cane and lop along. So I feel conspicious this year -- the difference is that I don't really care that much anymore. We have the right to be places like the gym.

All of us get depressed and it's hard to be brave and move your body and it's hard to wipe out the entire Tyson's Chicken empire too. Both are hard places to be. But you're here, writing about it and taking responsibility and accepting it. So you ARE brave and it just takes some time to get into habits. That's why it's so easy to break habits (trust me, I've wiped out major portions of the cheese industry this weekend). We just have to try and do the best we can do AT THIS time.

elasticwaist said...

Can I tell you something about "that woman"? She has to commit herself to wanting to strut in her big ass Speedo everyday, but she probably read, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies. Read it. It will help. I promise.

Anonymous said...

God, I can relate to you so well. I just wish I had the words to express it the way you do.